things to do in denver when you’re dead

Clarity: I am neither dead nor in Denver.

But I am running out of subversive things to do with surgical stockings. And in the general weariness of being in pain has finally caught up with me, resulting in a couple of days spent lying on the sofa with my hand pressed to my brow.

Nearly everyone seems to have a story about how someone they knew was horrifically burned but turned out absolutely fine. I have yet to find someone who has a story about how they were horrifically burned but turned out absolutely fine.

But I hit such an all-time low of energy and self-esteem in the middle of the week that I watched the second two Twilight movies. WHY GOD WHY?! I saw the first one in the cinema out of open-minded curiosity. Well. Curiosity. Car-crash curiosity. The thing is, I know it’s fashionable to hate on Twilight and there’s plenty to hate but I’m wary of my own knee-jerk hates. Anyway, I actually think the Twilight is semi-defensible as a throbbingly sincere teenage fantasy. And teenagers are allowed fantasies too, y’know. The problem is there’s no awareness of where fantasy ends and reality begins – and as much as I can remember being sixteen and believing love should be an all-consuming, semi-destructive obsession, you learn pretty quickly that love is so much more complicated than that. So much better and more beautiful. Not because you need each other so desperately that life would be worthless without the other but because you’re both pretty sorted and CHOSE.

But, yes, Twilight-the-Movie was unbelievably boring. It wasn’t that it was bad or offensive or loltastic … it was just boring. Unforgiveable.

However, I happened to see the trailer for New Moon and it looked kind of exciting. I like vampires, what can I say. I’d like werewolves too but in the Meyer-verse they have to hang around in denim cut-offs or cargo pants. Anyway, check this out:

So you can see where I came away with the erroneous impression. Seriously, whoever made that trailer – go forth, my son/daughter/child of non binary gender identity and make your own movie. Because the excitement in the trailer IS the excitement of New Moon. There is no more. So take that adrenaline rush of warring supernatural and spread it thinly over two and a half hours until all joy, all hope, all memories of a better time are gone. And THAT is New Moon.

In summary:

Edward goes away. Edward comes back. The end.

I don’t know what it is – I seem to recall Twilight (the movie) having the same problem – but there is absolutely no tension, no drama, no ANYTHING in New Moon. Twilight-The-Book does slightly better because it opens with Bella contemplating her own forthcoming demise so it gives you something to hope for. But, yeah, the boredom, it is unremitting. It is a flaccid dick of a movie with absolutely nothing to recommend it.

Oh, I also watched Eclipse. (Look they were both available on Netflix okay, okay, I have 2nd degree burns, leave me alone). Thankfully my pain killers kicked in halfway through this one and I lost consciousness. So epically little happens in Eclipse that I cannot even summarise it. Basically, Random Chick From First Book raises vampire army. It must take some genuine skill to make that premise boring but – never fear – they succeed. Bella spends most of this movie in Harry Potter’s tent halfway up a mountain in the snow being nekkid-snuggled by Jacob to stave off hypothermia while Edward looks on sadly. It was like some weird voyeuristic emoporn.

Also what is with the terrible trousers?


Jacob had once again left his umbrella at the gay disco...

Jacob had once again left his umbrella at the gay disco…


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